Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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