she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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