What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
