I smell stomach acid.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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