I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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