She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
