Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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