My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
