Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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