Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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