are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
