I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
