I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
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Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
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I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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