My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
