he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
