You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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