dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
