One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
