My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
