She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
