Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
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