Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
