Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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