I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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