youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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