When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
