we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
