If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
