just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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