You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
