I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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