I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
