There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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