Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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