i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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