he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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