I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
