Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
