Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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