I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
fuck your aforementioned shoe
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
