I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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