I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
