i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
