I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
