Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
