i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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