You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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