You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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