I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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