Don't make out with my wife yet
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
