i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
