I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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