The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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