Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
