I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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