ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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