YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
