i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
