Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
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I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
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is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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