Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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