community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
