Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
